Choosing a Spouse or Choosing to Love

Marriage is so much more than choosing a person who thrills you. Of course it starts that way, but in the end you will find that this person has been chosen for you. Not necessarily chosen in the sense of being the one person who is meant to captivate you "ever after", though I find my wife captivating still after 14 years. In a much more important sense, your spouse is chosen as that primary other human being with whom you have the opportunity, or you could say the test, to love. It is, after all, the ultimate test to be given a life companion who is to be the object of your unconditional love. It is the most challenging and, potentially, fascinating endeavor that a human being can ever undertake (save, perhaps, the endeavor of raising children). As a Christian, it is the ultimate practical test of faith. As a follower of Christ, you are commanded to love as Christ loves you. That means that you must continually, and unbegrudgingly, lay aside all your own wants and cares. (Or rather, to lay your own wants and cares at the feet of the Father. Whether or not He uses your spouse to meet those wants and cares or whether He intends to meet your every need is not for you to determine.) You are called upon to overlook any blemishes, irritating idiosyncrasies, and characteristics that you expected should have changed in your spouse by now, that you never noticed until after the honeymoon, or that you foolishly thought you could "fix". You are called to be attentive and responsive to the needs and the best interests of the other. This assignment is not, for the Christian married person, dependent upon the relationship being symbiotic, though it might be so at various points in the course of the marriage. You are not required to "meet her/his needs only as long as she/he meets mine".
Christ gave Himself for us. That is the model for our marriages. He expresses His affection toward us in spite of our fickleness in affection for Him. His attention is fixed on us as He petitions for us before the throne of our Father, regardless of how we waffle in our prayer life. The great challenge of Christian marriage is to love your bride (or bridegroom) as Christ loves you. Attentive to her/his needs rather than demanding to have your own met—even when it feels like death, even when you feel justified in demanding to have yours met! Without the presence of the Spirit of Christ in our lives, this test would be more than impossible—and impossible it is. With the presence of His Spirit, it is an endeavor in which we can grow, perhaps slowly and painfully, but ultimately having our lives transformed into the image of Christ. No doubt about it, Christian marriage is the ultimate test of agape love. But as they say, the most rewarding things in life are the hardest things in life.

Active Leisure Time

Here’s some interesting thoughts on our use of leisure time from Dr. David Myers’ book, Pursuit of Happiness:
§ Only 3% of people watching TV experience a sense of “flow” (a rewarding, fulfilling activity); 39% experience feelings of apathy.
§ 47% of people engaged in arts and hobbies experience “flow”; only 4% experience apathy.

“The less expensive (and generally more involving) a leisure activity, the happier people are while doing it. Most people are happier gardening than power boating, talking to friends than watching TV….People are unhappiest when they are alone and nothing needs doing.”

“Off your duffs, couch potatoes. Pick up your camera. Tune up that instrument. Sharpen those woodworking tools. Get out those quilting needles. Inflate the family basketball. Pull down a good book. Oil the fishing reel. It’s time to head out to the garden store. To invite friends over for tea. To pull down the Scrabble game. To write a letter. To go for a drive. Rather than vegetating in self-focused idleness, lose yourself in the flow of active work and play.”

Conflicts between personal strengths and personal values

I came across this quotation from Peter Drucker:
“Many years ago, I too had to decide between my values and what I was doing successfully. I was doing very well as a young investment banker in London in the mid-1930s, and the work clearly fit my strengths. Yet I did not see myself making a contribution as an asset manager. People, I realized, were what I valued, and I saw no point in being the richest man in the cemetery. I had no money and no other job prospects. Despite the continuing Depression, I quit—and it was the right thing to do. Values, in other words, are and should be the ultimate test.”
While this quote can tend to glorify “quitting” business to go into “more humanitarian” endeavors, I think it speaks to something much more profound. If we are good or adequate at something it doesn’t mean we should get stuck in the rut of doing it if our heart is not also in it. I know it seems kind of fairy tale-ish, because some people don’t always have the option to re-orient their career or life. But, it does make me think that each of us was created to live and work in some manner according to not just our strengths, like the old Communist approach to athletics in which athletic kids were separated out by how their abilities matched up with particular sports, whether or not the kid had any desire to play the sport or not. It seems to me that our Maker takes great pleasure when we find that intersection in our lives of what we are really skilled at doing and what we view as a significant contribution to others.

Feedback Analysis

Here’s a thought from Peter Drucker...he calls this “feedback analysis”:

“Whenever you make a key decision or take a key action, write down what you expect will happen. Nine or 12 months later, compare the actual results with your expectations. I have been practicing this method for 15 to 20 years now, and every time I do it, I am surprised.”

During a time of such critical decision making and action steps, it might be interesting to practice this organizationally?

I came across the following quotation recently:
“Studies of successful companies often focus on their products, business models, or operational strengths: Microsoft’s world conquering Windows operating system, Dell’s mass customization, Wal-Mart’s logistical prowess. Yet products and operational strengths aren’t what really set the most successful organizations apart—they can all be rented or imitated. What can’t be easily duplicated are the decisive dialogues and robust operating mechanisms and their links to feedback and follow-through. These factors constitute an organization’s most enduring competitive advantage, and they are heavily dependent on the character of dialogue that a leader exhibits and thereby influences throughout the organization.”
This impressed upon me the reality that while a business model and a product may be revolutionary and high in potential, it is the culture built amongst the leaders and those throughout the organization that will make execution effective. The author (Ram Charan) remarks in his article that dialogues related to decision making and executable plans are the key. If anyone’s opinions or concerns are not freely incorporated into dialogue, companies risk stepping on land mines. If people feel like they must agree with a plan due to hierarchical obligations, execution of the plan by them will be half hearted. If execution of a plan is followed by evaluation (whether the plan was a success or a failure), lessons are not learned and future effectiveness is diluted.
Some good words...